The past few weeks

Calm your tits, Maduin, nobody cut Sandy. Just some old stitches that popped open at a baaaaad time, but more on that later.

So yes, we're all still alive (somehow...). It's just been really quiet the past few weeks. We had spring break two weeks ago, and with all the kids and teens running around the woods for scavenger hunts and shit the proxies were smart enough to keep to the shadows. We've meant to update, but always ended up putting it off or expecting one of the others to do it. Besides, there really wasn't too much happening in the way of Slendickery.

But Sandra nearly had a giraffe when she realized, on St. Patty's Day, that Slender wasn't wearing green.

Lya and I were only out for an hour. When we left, Sandra was fresh out of the shower watching tv.

When we got back, she was covered in mud and water up on the roof, screaming at Slender, who was standing just out of reach, to "get the fuck back here and take the pinching like a MAN."

Preston was locked in the bathroom. In the toilet.

...Yeah, as amusing as it sounds? Lya was just as confused/annoyed.

So finally, the week ended, the kids were back in school, Sandra was itching to run around barefoot re-enacting The Path (minus the creepy imagery and implied-but-totally-happened statutory rape)...

...And she got sick.

So many curse words.

And last week, because the past few days hadn't been derp enough, Lya's sister asked her a favor. She lives up in OK, and was moving into an apartment with her new fiance, buuuuut...the building doesn't allow pets. So she asked Lya to take her cat. Enter Blitz, an obese, don't-give-a-FUCK cat. Lya was a little reluctant but decided hey, maybe we'd luck out and he'd eat Preston.

How fat this cat is? Sandra first saw him and literally screamed "A wild Snorlax appears!" And...well, yeah, she wasn't exaggerating that much.

Preston, however, did not approve of this fuckery, and charged at Blitz shrieking like a banshee....then skidded to a stop when Blitz just looked at him and growled a little in his throat. You ever seen a silkie chicken pull a 180 going full speed and nearly hit a wall running out? Yep. Blitz made Preston his bitch.

He now sleeps at the foot of Lya's bed.

And back to the stitches.

Last night, Sand took some nyquil and headed off to bed early. I went in around 5 this morning to check on her, and the stitches in her left eye had popped.

Let me tell you something about Sandra; she doesn't like fake eyes. They freak her out a little. She wears one just in case her stitches do pop, so that we don't have to stare into the abyss. Except it's blank white, because it doesn't show enough for it to actually look like an eye.

So it's five a.m., I'm sleep-deprived, I walk into Sandra's room and see A BLANK WHITE EYE STARING WIDE OPENED. INTO MY SOUL. COLD AND UNFEELING WITH NO SYMPATHY FOR THE SCREAMS OF THE CHILDREN.

I feel no shame upon confessing that I screamed like a little bitch.

The commotion woke her up, and her first instinct was to rub her eyes sleepily. Bad idea.

The fake eye popped out.

I repeat.

IT FUCKING POPPED THE FUCK OUT.

I SAW INTO HER GAPING EYE SOCKET.

Oh hello, improbably-high-pitched-effeminate-shriek-of-horror, my old friend, how've you been?

So I'm screaming and backpedaling, Lya's walking in to see what's going on with Blitz following at her heels, Preston's backing up and hissing because he and Blitz don't play nice, and Slender's watching from the window, probably laughing internally.

Sandra started cursing, got Preston to calm down, and told Slender that it wasn't funny, and if He ever mentioned it on the chalkboard or told the proxies, she would shove a cherry bomb up His urethra.

No. We are not discussing whether or not He has genitalia. Moving on.

So Lya stitched the eye back up, Sandy's back in bed, and Lya's poking Blitz while showering him with cuddles and tickles. Meanwhile, I'm desperately trying to get the images out of my head. Any suggestions? Acid? Bleach? The blood of a Kardashian?

-Matt