The past few weeks

Calm your tits, Maduin, nobody cut Sandy. Just some old stitches that popped open at a baaaaad time, but more on that later.

So yes, we're all still alive (somehow...). It's just been really quiet the past few weeks. We had spring break two weeks ago, and with all the kids and teens running around the woods for scavenger hunts and shit the proxies were smart enough to keep to the shadows. We've meant to update, but always ended up putting it off or expecting one of the others to do it. Besides, there really wasn't too much happening in the way of Slendickery.

But Sandra nearly had a giraffe when she realized, on St. Patty's Day, that Slender wasn't wearing green.

Lya and I were only out for an hour. When we left, Sandra was fresh out of the shower watching tv.

When we got back, she was covered in mud and water up on the roof, screaming at Slender, who was standing just out of reach, to "get the fuck back here and take the pinching like a MAN."

Preston was locked in the bathroom. In the toilet.

...Yeah, as amusing as it sounds? Lya was just as confused/annoyed.

So finally, the week ended, the kids were back in school, Sandra was itching to run around barefoot re-enacting The Path (minus the creepy imagery and implied-but-totally-happened statutory rape)...

...And she got sick.

So many curse words.

And last week, because the past few days hadn't been derp enough, Lya's sister asked her a favor. She lives up in OK, and was moving into an apartment with her new fiance, buuuuut...the building doesn't allow pets. So she asked Lya to take her cat. Enter Blitz, an obese, don't-give-a-FUCK cat. Lya was a little reluctant but decided hey, maybe we'd luck out and he'd eat Preston.

How fat this cat is? Sandra first saw him and literally screamed "A wild Snorlax appears!" And...well, yeah, she wasn't exaggerating that much.

Preston, however, did not approve of this fuckery, and charged at Blitz shrieking like a banshee....then skidded to a stop when Blitz just looked at him and growled a little in his throat. You ever seen a silkie chicken pull a 180 going full speed and nearly hit a wall running out? Yep. Blitz made Preston his bitch.

He now sleeps at the foot of Lya's bed.

And back to the stitches.

Last night, Sand took some nyquil and headed off to bed early. I went in around 5 this morning to check on her, and the stitches in her left eye had popped.

Let me tell you something about Sandra; she doesn't like fake eyes. They freak her out a little. She wears one just in case her stitches do pop, so that we don't have to stare into the abyss. Except it's blank white, because it doesn't show enough for it to actually look like an eye.

So it's five a.m., I'm sleep-deprived, I walk into Sandra's room and see A BLANK WHITE EYE STARING WIDE OPENED. INTO MY SOUL. COLD AND UNFEELING WITH NO SYMPATHY FOR THE SCREAMS OF THE CHILDREN.

I feel no shame upon confessing that I screamed like a little bitch.

The commotion woke her up, and her first instinct was to rub her eyes sleepily. Bad idea.

The fake eye popped out.

I repeat.

IT FUCKING POPPED THE FUCK OUT.

I SAW INTO HER GAPING EYE SOCKET.

Oh hello, improbably-high-pitched-effeminate-shriek-of-horror, my old friend, how've you been?

So I'm screaming and backpedaling, Lya's walking in to see what's going on with Blitz following at her heels, Preston's backing up and hissing because he and Blitz don't play nice, and Slender's watching from the window, probably laughing internally.

Sandra started cursing, got Preston to calm down, and told Slender that it wasn't funny, and if He ever mentioned it on the chalkboard or told the proxies, she would shove a cherry bomb up His urethra.

No. We are not discussing whether or not He has genitalia. Moving on.

So Lya stitched the eye back up, Sandy's back in bed, and Lya's poking Blitz while showering him with cuddles and tickles. Meanwhile, I'm desperately trying to get the images out of my head. Any suggestions? Acid? Bleach? The blood of a Kardashian?

-Matt

I'll get back to you guys later

Right now we have an obese cat napping on the couch, Slender's prowling around in the woods, and Sandra's inventing curses we've never even thought possible while Lya tries to restitch her eye.

Dammit, why is this shit pretty much routine around here?!

-Matt

Better now

It's been so quiet here.

Ava's back.

And Drew...

Whenever you get back to Jack and Steph, you better get your asses over to the Oklahoma house. You were taken before we could meet you.

We'll find you a late Christmas present.

Welcome back.

-Sandra

Wow

Yeah. We heard about what happened to Ava.

Thankfully, some dumbass proxies were around, so we had an outlet for our rage.

Of course, when I stepped out and told them to get the fuck out, they started laughing.

Then Lya stepped out. Lya. The serious business woman built like a fridge with a baseball bat. That's when it stopped being funny. Some of them had the sense to run off, but a handful liked their chances against two very unathletic girl and a guy with one arm.

One of them tackled me while the others were preoccupied and tried to cuff me, and she said she wasn't stupid enough to get rid of me without His approval.

Yep. Sure enough, Mr. Fuckstick was watching. If my hands weren't held back, I would've flipped so many birds PETA would shit a palace.

So I was pinned, Matt was held up, and Lya was beating the shit out of one of them. When she was done with that, she ran over and kicked the girl holding me down in the ribs. Little bitch went flying like a ragdoll. I swear I heard some ribs cracking.

Apparently, one of the other proxies was either a family member or boyfriend, because he did NOT approve. He moved faster than I've ever seen someone that big go, and bitchslapped Lya across the face.

When asked later, Matt swore he could actually see red.

We kinda figured so much when he charged the proxy, put him down, started smashing his leg with the bat Lya dropped, and then brought his hunting boots down on the bastard's crotch. Multiple times. With his friends watching from the woods and Slender probably laughing His ass of inwardly.

So most of the Masked Morons ran for their shit, while Bondage Bitch stumbled off gasping for breath and the Dickless Wonder crawled off.

Damn. I've never seen Matt get that violent before. And he wasn't playing around, he was actually snarling. If Lya hadn't gotten back up and pulled him away I wouldn't have been surprised to see him pull off his prosthetic and beat the guy to death with it.

Suddenly I feel a lot safer.

-Sandra

Bwoashit what now?

Okay, I'm a leeeetle stupid right now, since I have a BIGASS MIGRAINE ready to explode my brains out of my ears, but Ava and her mother are in America, correct?

...Ava. DON'T come to East Texas, especially to a small town only a few miles from DFW. Unless you want to wrench off the testicles of a few warring factions of proxies, then by all means.

But seriously, though, the weird shit keeps on happening. In other words...HOW THE SWEET FUCK DO I KEEP MANAGING TO TAKE OUT THOSE PEOPLE?! Some are even showing up with bullets in their hands and legs, and I couldn't shoot a gun for shit even when I still had depth perception! THE HELL ASS BALLS?!

And whatever the fuck is outside that keeps doing that to me is still a complete mystery. And all that shit about animals being able to detect creepy shit is wrong, because Preston doesn't even so much as bash his head against a wall whenever it happens. Oh sure, they can tell when one of the Big Boys or their groupies are around, but not whatever it is that's doing this? FUCK.

Ugggghhhh. Abusing caps lock because BIG LETTERS ARE CRUISE CONTROL FOR I AM SO PISSSSSSSED.

Not much else has been happening here, though. I managed to convince Matt and Lya that fuck everything, they deserved to go out and have a nice Valentine's dinner.

So they went. After making sure every door and window was locked, save for a tiny attic window that I tried to peg proxies with tennis balls from. But, of course, since I wasn't possessed or brainwashed or whatever the hell I am when I put them down, I missed. And they laughed at me. So I threw a flashbang, and laughed my ass off as the stupid bastards stumbled into trees.

And when the big kids got back, they brought me a big ass teddy bear. Like, four feet of huggably soft derpery. And some Long John Silvers.

And MOTHERFUCKING GHIRADELLI CARAMEL CHOCOLATE SQUARES.

Love you guys.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

Except for proxies, because I swear to God if those stupid bastards don't learn to stop congregating near our house...

-Sandra

Fucker

This is for Ava. And Reach. And those three dead bodies in a burnt house in England.

For all of them.

You stupid fucking coward. Leaving a Valentine's Day card? So cliche. You're losing your touch.

I've got a bad temper, and don't enjoy when my friends are fucked with.

And if I can't reach you, Redlight, I can reach to your brothers in arms. Maybe you'll feel less safe with numbers dwindling and less underlings who can be used as shields and backup when you actually have the balls sufficient for a confrontation.

-Sandra

They're back outside.

I'm not as afraid this time.

What Happened

...Sandra took out three proxies last night.

Matt's dad called back; turns out the three they had found were tied up and waiting for authorities in the playground outside the hospital. They were babbling about being "jumped by a little girl with a fucked up eye". They didn't answer any questions about who they were or what they were doing, just that they were in an argument when "a young teenage girl tasered one, then proceeded to attack the others". They said they tried to pin her and fight her off, but "she darted around like a fucking snake. She was so fucking fast!" They were then knocked out by several blows and tazes, and woke up tied to a park bench.

Matt's dad didn't believe them, just thought they got drunk and were fooling around with other drunken idiots and got in a fight, mainly because he couldn't imagine a tiny girl taking them down when one of them was built like a friggin' fridge. Six feet, two hundred pounds, claiming a teenager came out of nowhere kicking and tazing.

We were a strange mixture of stunned and pissed.

We went to confront her about why she would do something so reckless, but...she seemed confused. At first she didn't remember, saying she felt like she had the mother of all hangovers, then it hit her and she said, "...What the fuck was I doing out there?!"

From what she says, she can remember everything that happened vividly. She stepped outside after writing the last post, then, for some reason, went back inside, grabbed a taser, some rope, and a knife to cut the rope with, and fought the first group of warring proxies she saw. She just can't remember why she did it.

And we have no idea how she could elude those guys, she's always been notoriously shitty at athleticism. Can only sprint about ten to fifteen seconds before having to sit down and hyperventilate, couldn't throw footballs properly, couldn't play goalie during soccer, always lost matches in karate classes. Hell, her hand-eye coordination's not too terrible from playing so many videogames, but that doesn't explain how she could full on Matrix every punch thrown at her. She used to be in dance classes for lyrical, but I highly doubt she pirouette'd them unconscious.

When we asked her what was outside, what she was writing about in the message, she just stared and murmured, "Nothing. Nothing was outside. It wasn't Him, or ///It///, or anybody. Nothing was there."

...She is the creepiest bitch I have ever known in my entire life.

-Lya

EDIT:

Where did the cuts and bruises come from?

The proxies said they were unable to hit her. The big one grabbed her arm, and she's got the marks to prove it, but she managed to windmill free. So where did the other wounds come from?

She was acting tranced out, so maybe she didn't notice she was getting scratched by tree limbs or stumbled over or into rocks or stumps, but it doesn't explain the large bruise she found on her back. She said it was possible she got scratched and bumped into things, but the bruise looked like she would've had to fall backwards, and hard. She has no recollection, and doesn't think it was possible. Sandra's got a really low pain tolerance, she stubs her toe and she hits the fucking floor.

So while she was running through the forest and fighting, she would've had to have gained a higher pain tolerance, and have blacked out long enough to have fallen backwards, either onto a smooth rock or icy ground, or from an elevation.

Did it happen when she went outside to find nothing?

What the hell is going on?